Alex Bannon

Alex2Alex Bannon tragically lost both parents before the age of 16 — her father to a heart attack and her mother to cholangiocarcinoma, a cancer that affects just 2 in 250,000 people. Now aged 18, the Sydney native shares how she manages sudden surges of grief and what we can learn from her aunty.

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What is one memory with your mother & father you will always remember?

I’ll always remember how strong and brave my mum was on the day she told me  she only had two months left to live. I remember her coming into my room after I’d been crying. She saw the tears in my eyes and held my hands and looked me in the eyes and whispered “Alex, it’s okay, I’m going to be okay. I know that my prayers to God weren’t exactly answered but maybe that’s the purpose. Maybe my purpose in life was to give strength to others and die as a legacy and that’s okay. It’s time.”

In regards to my dad, I’ll always remember the countless trips to his work. He was the Marketing Manager at the Powerhouse Museum and I always wanted to go with him because I loved their chocolate pebble machine. I remember running a muck around his work but him being completely fine with it. I’ll also always remember that he was such an involved father. Even though his job kept him busy, he never missed a Father’s Day activity at school.

Your father died suddenly; did having a warning about your mother’s death lessen the pain at all? 

My father passed when I was seven years old from a heart attack. It was my brother who had found him, then me. Our mother was on a holiday in China with her two sisters but flew home immediately. I don’t think there is ever a right age or time to lose someone but with saying that, I was so young when my dad suddenly passed away.

After everything we had been through with my dad I thought nothing could ever happen to my family again. But on the 25th January 2011, my mum was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma- a rare cancer that affects just 2 in 250,000 people. I watched her go through countless chemotherapy, radiation, hallucinations, wake up in ICU. Having a parent with cancer just became part of my life, the idea that one day my mum would be cancer free gave peace to my mind, but somewhere deep down I knew it was long journey to go. We were told she’d have two months on the 22nd March 2012 when my brave mother decided to stop all treatment and spend what quality time she had left at home with her loved ones. She knew in her heart that no matter how many more needles they stick into her that she was terminal and that it was her time. 13 days later, on the 4th of April, my amazing mother sadly passed away at our home surrounded by her family and friends whom she loved.
 
I didn’t have as much time with my dad as I’d had with my mum. When my dad passed I wasn’t subject to thinking about every detail in the future and how his death would affect my life. But with mum it was a totally different thing because I was a teenager. Although I had a warning, I knew it was still going to hurt. I was not only grieving the fact that she was going to die but was also dealing with the loss of our future together — her being there on my wedding day and becoming a grandma. The warning didn’t necessarily lessen the pain of losing our mother-daughter bond and my only parent but being told she’d have two months left really bought everything into perspective and made me appreciate every aspect of life. That’s one thing that I always think about; that it shouldn’t take your mum to tell you she has cancer and two months left to live in order to tell her how much you love and thank her everyday for everything she has done and to appreciate everything around you.
 
How often do you experience surges of grief and how do you manage these? Where do you find peace?

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt is that grief isn’t a period of time that you pinpoint, experience, and then move on from. I’ve learnt that I’ll always be grieving the death of my parents, but over time can learn how to deal with it in a better way. I can never predict when I’ll experience surges of grief. It’ll catch me at the most random of times, for example, I’ll be driving and suddenly remember a memory and burst out into tears. I’ve learnt that everyone deals with grief in their own way and that if you fight your feelings, you will only make things worse for yourself. So now when I need to cry I will and when I need time alone I’ll have it. I also remind myself often that it’s okay not being strong all the time, that I can breakdown and that it’s normal. After all of this I think of a really happy memory, smile and say to myself, “Okay until next time” and continue with what I was previously doing, which I guess can be kind of weird but that’s just the how I manage my grieving.

I believe that peace is a really hard concept to define. I think that there’s a huge misconception about what it is. I think people believe that peace is something that when you have it, you’re suddenly enlightened and your set for the rest of your life. But in my opinion I believe that peace is a constant struggle. Some days you feel you have it and you feel really great but on other days you don’t and you feel really down. But peace for me means having those moments where you say to yourself “I’m going to be okay, I’m happy right now and that might change tomorrow and that’s okay, but for now I’m happy and I’m going to embrace it”. Peace for me nowadays is in the simplest of things and I believe in living for those simple things in life. Like someone picking up your pen that you dropped to someone unexpectedly making you smile and laugh. That is where I find peace; when I’m happy. And some people may read that and think that’s a really weird way of finding peace and that’s okay, but for me that is what puts a smile on my face and brings me peace. But in a spiritual perception, I know its cliché but I do find peace in natural beauty — sunrises and sunsets, starts and birds flying in the sky. I also really do believe that music has the ability to help anyone go through any situation or stage in life they’re in and that it can help him or her on the road to recovery. I’d recommend the artist Matt Corby to anyone. Music like his really soothes the mind and soul and get generally put you in a better mood and can help with one’s mind finding peace. But I know that finding peace is different for every one; it’s something I believe that you find on your own terms in your own time in life.

I also believe we write our own stories, and each time we think we know something, we don’t. Perhaps peace exists somewhere between the world of learning how to grieve and actually grieving and that in peace comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. Life is funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up where you belong.

Are you able to talk openly to your friends about what you have been through?

I am now at a point in my life where I can talk about what I’ve been through. If anyone, not just my friends, were to ask me I would openly tell them. I never want what has happened to me affect the conversations I have with people. I don’t want them to feel like they need to walk on seashells around me or avoid anything to do with my parents so I try and incorporate memories of my mum and dad into relevant conversations. I believe in finding the light in every situation no matter how dark it is. Just because both my parents have passed doesn’t mean their memories have too. Spirits not only stay alive just by thinking about them; I believe it’s by talking and sharing stories about them. I believe that everyone is born with the ability to change someone’s life for the better so as vulnerable as my past is, if it can help or connect anyone to a similar situation then it’s totally worth opening up about.

You currently live happily with your aunty. What can others learn from how your aunty acts towards you?

It’s really uncanny because living with my aunty was something I originally I never expected or wanted. Two months after my mum passed I made a decision to move out because I could no longer live with my mum’s partner whom she had married 5 months before she passed. I expressed how I was feeling to two of my close family friends on a Sunday in July and the next day I packed my suitcase and hand bag, shoved everything I could into both and without him knowing I moved in with a family friend. I was living with her and her daughter for six weeks and it was so great but I knew I had to figure out my next move. This ended up being my aunty’s house where I am now with two of my cousins. I’ve never looked back after making that decision and have never been happier.

I can’t pinpoint how my Aunty has helped me but I know that she is a major reason for where I am today. She always lets me know that she is there for me no matter what and would support me in any decision I make. My aunty also gave me all the time in the world; to find my own ground and get back up on my own two feet. I think that’s important for others to realise, that people will heal in their own way and time and that it shouldn’t feel forced. Something important as well that I really want to express is that no matter how much advice you have offered to you and no matter how many times someone tries to help you in their own way, that it’s important to remember that advice that has worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you. I believe that in time you find your own way of dealing with things so you should not get frustrated when you’re struggling. Also, at the end of the day no one can heal yourself but you. Advice from others can only go so far,  it’s you that has to make the decision to keep moving. It’s important to remind yourself that you’re your own person and you are finding your place in this world and if that means taking all the time in the world then so be it. I also believe it’s important to recognise that you can’t help what has happened to you in the past, but you decide where to go in future; that you are not the mistakes, the downfalls- you are what you choose to be today and how you treat the people around you. My aunty really helped me come to this understanding and I hope it’s something that more people become conscious of.

Alex1

16 thoughts on “Alex Bannon

  1. Dear sweet Alex, sharing how you feel…thank you for being the beautiful lady you are…Cindy & Geoff are so proud of you…watching over you from Heaven’s wings…you are loved more than you’ll ever know…God Bless you sunshine, Love Janette, Chloe, Nicholas & of course Sitty!

  2. Alex your amazing! Can’t believe the little girl that used to make me laugh for so many stupid reasons has turned out to be the most inspiring teenager or person I have ever met! Keep on being the person you are, as so many people respect and love you. X

  3. Alex your an inspiration to all of us, your mum and dad would be so proud of the young woman you are. Your resilience is truly admirable! Your going places in life, you can teach so many young people lessons, your a beautiful person. X

  4. Some times life can be cruel but never once have i heard you or Mark ask why me nor did i hear your mum ask why me, instead you both worked through your pain the best you could , i will always be so proud of you Alex you are truly an inspiational young woman x

  5. Hi Alex
    I loved reading your story . It would lots if tears to my eyes. You are such a brave soul and I am truly sorry that you have lost your parents.

    I personally knew your Mum ( through my friend Janette La Kiss) . She was always so lovely , warm and had a beautiful happy energy. I am saddened by her loss. She was a great lady .

    Keep on writing your stories and sharing them . You touch so many people with her emotional honesty and profound wisdom .

    Sending you love and many many blessings.

    Love
    Debbie xox

  6. Alex, I miss your mum still so much. To share your raw emotions takes such courage and you have been able to share your inner most feelings in a way that is inspirational. I am touched and moved by your words, you obviously have a gift, and you obviously have your mums strength. Glad to hear that somehow you are are carving out your future, but in a way that embraces your past and the spirit of your parents. Xx

  7. Alex, I just read that again, once last night and now again. Words can’t express how much I was moved, touched and blown away by your wonderful and moving way of expressing yourself you have made your mum and dad so proud of you. I know already this has gone as far as New Zealand and will help many young people deal and give comfort with what is in front of them as well. So may the road that you and Mark travel with the wonderful family and friends you have be
    fill of love, laughter and happiness and fantastic memories of mum and dad love Chris parko xxxx

  8. Alex, you are truly an inspiration. Your words are so incredibly eloquent and wise, and I’m sure they will provide comfort to many. Your parents would be so proud. X

  9. Hi Alex, I just got the link to your interview from Hayden. You never cease to amaze and inspire me .. you have been blessed to have had such strong and loving role models in your life, and you so capably continue to share this legacy in whatever you do. You will always do your parents proud 🙂 and know you’re very much loved! God bless, Kerrie x

  10. Dear Alex, I’ve come across your interview via Aunty Annette. You are truly inspiring and I’m sure your parents would be looking down on you with much pride in their hearts for the wonderful person you have become through the adversity you’ve faced in your young life. With God’s blessing, Cecily x

  11. Alex I met your Mum and Dad many years ago at a bbq and knew your Mum when she worked at the drs surgery.
    A beautiful kind and happy smiley lady.
    Im sorry for your losses, life isnt always fair.
    I can see that they have left a very wise beautiful spirit in this world and that is you.
    Be kind to yourself and spread your love , kindness to all who meet you .
    They must be so proud of you.
    Sandra Reis xxxx

  12. Alex, your story I’m sure will help others to understand their own feelings and actions when dealing with grief. You’re a strong, independent and wise young woman who has been through much more than you should have at this age. Mum and Dad would be so proud of you. xxx

  13. Alex , I have watched you grow from a really cute 5 year old to an inspiring young woman. I am so proud of you and I am sure you will continue to smile .

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